Lately I have been vacillating wildly between great confidence and tremendous insecurity in my role as pastor.
On the one hand, I think of the things i do relatively well; I can think theologically, I am a decent communicator, and when given a chance I can usually help people towards seeing a hopeful future in whatever life crisis they are in the middle of.
But on the other hand, i read a book like Church Marketing 101 (can’t really recommend for or against this book at this point, it is good at what it is, the question is the value of what it is), or even my own denominational history text book, filled with its stories of a glorious past, and I wonder what the frick am I doing?!? According to the marketing guys we are doing everything wrong at CPCP, and nothing I have experienced seems even in the same universe as the movement of the spirit experienced during the birth of the denomination (Second great awakening, largely).
And yet I think of all the other pastor’s I know, from the small church pastor’s up the street to the famous guys who have written books, from Emergents to denomiantionalists to independent fundamentalists, and honestly I don’t feel like I am all that behind any of them in my thinking or ability (I mean overall, obviously there are way better preachers, thinkers, and counselors out there, but not all in one person — at least not that i have met).
So I am beginning to wonder if the big secret of the pastoral calling, the thing that they don’t tell you at seminary, the thing that no one will write a book about, is that none of us really has a clue what we’re doing? That we’re all just making it up as we go?
If so, I’m not sure if I find that comforting… or terrifying.
What do you think you’d need to feel like it was not just “making it up?”